The New Number Ones

by Howard Bowden with Bru Peckett

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First verse narrated :
Now in days of old, with paintwork bold
Owner boatmen were the best
Those number ones, on all the runs
Were a cut above the rest
Those days have gone, the trades all done
And sad it is to say
There's now a new breed of number ones
Who boat a different way, 'Cos

We are the new number ones
We've nothing left to learn
Our boat cost 50* thousand quid
And we've got cash to burn
Yes, we are the new number ones
We're arrogant, rude of course
And if what you want is to boat the old way
You should have bought a horse

We've got knitting round our tiller pin
Kew gardens on the top
We've a water can weighed down with bricks
And a new Vileda mop
We never nod nor say 'ow do
The gates we rarely shut
We've left the motorway behind
Now we own the cut, cos ..

Well our engine it's a vintage job
Twice the size we need
And when we wind it up full blast
We've a fair old turn of speed
We meet such friendly folk we find
When we pass they all come out
But with the ghetto blaster on the slide
We can't hear what they shout, Yes ..

We've a telly and a microwave
Dishwasher and all that
We've got every mod con known to man
But the batteries soon run flat
We have to charge them all day long
But of course this means
We've got enough juice stored down there
To light up Milton Keynes, Yes ..

Now our headlamp it's of polished brass
It gleams in light of day
And for sheer pretentious brilliance
It'll take your breath away
A million candle-power it is
In tunnels bright as day
Why can't the other buggers see
To get out of our way, Yes ..

At water taps we're hours and hours
It can cause quite a queue
Besides, we've got to wash the boat
Cut water just won't do
We don't share locks nor wait our turn
Though there hasn't been much rain
'Cos when the locks are all chained up
We'll bugger off to Spain, Yes ..
* Cost increases by 10 thousand pounds in each chorus.

Recorded on :

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